This has seriously been the most depressing year of my life. Had to watch all my friends graduate, failed to get a job out of my internship, had to drop out of college because my one artery won’t let me do anything, which led to me being depressed because I’m worthless as a human being, which leads to me sitting around all day doing nothing, which leads to me gaining 20 fucking pounds, which drags me further down the self hate spiral. Meanwhile, family is getting fed up with me and telling me that I don’t have it that bad and should be grateful, which is like strapping a rock to my back and throwing my in a lake. So now I’m fat, sad, and doing nothing with my life and I don’t even deserve to feel this way. I have to be in my best friends wedding this weekend and I hate how I look and I already hate being in front of people. I want to be excited for her wedding, I was when she first told me but this year has beaten down on me like nothing else. Its so hard when you know you should be happy but you literally don’t know how to be.
You know what’s weird about having a chronic illness? You fight and fight and people get used to you being strong about it and they tell you how they admire you for accomplishing so much in the face of adversity. Then the second you get tired of fighting and succumb to the depression, everyone around you is so quick to point out how many people have it worse than you. It can only be one thing or the other, right?
I rarely use this to just blog. I’m going to just blog now, so you can all just ignore this if it’s not to your liking.
Warning. Contents under pressure.